Is there such a thing as “True Love”? Picture what love looks like in the movies: images of couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes come to mind. Cinematic romance is sparked by a chemical jolt, when two strangers meet by chance and fall in “love at first sight.” This scene is followed by a montage of the happy couple dining in romantic restaurants, traveling to glamorous or beautiful places, anticipating their first kiss, and on and on. Oftentimes, our idea (or ideal) of love is intertwined with our idea of romance. But, romance and love are really two different processes or stages in a relationship. In fact, a university in Italy has found that romantic love is a  biochemical experience which lasts only about a year. Certain chemicals in the brain actually fuel the strong feelings of passion, dependence, and euphoria which we often feel in the beginning of a relationship. What happens when that year is up may be the best indicator of “True Love”, or that long and lasting commitment between two people which weathers years of trials as well as triumphs.

So if romantic love is comprised of fireworks and candle-lit dinners, what makes “True Love”, well, true? The answer might seem decidedly unromantic. “True Love” is measured by the amount and depth of forgiveness, compassion, patience, and tolerance between two people. These are the foundations of true love. Forgiveness is a partner’s ability to stop feeling resentment, indignation, or anger caused by the other’s faults, mistakes, or actions. For example, couples have been able to recover from  relationship breaches caused by the emotional or health problems experienced by one or both partners, or even by insults, infidelity or deceit. For recovery to take place, both couples must be willing to put their own needs, disappointments, hurt, and ego aside in order to re-establish trust and closeness. Forgiveness makes space in a relationship for true love.

Compassion in a relationship comes from empathy. Compassion, like forgiveness, involves putting aside one’s own agenda in order to relate fully and openly to the other and gives rise to the desire to alleviate another’s suffering. An example of compassion in a relationship might look like this: John gets fired from his job for not making his sales numbers. His wife, Judy, was counting on taking a vacation to the Bahamas that summer and buying a new family car in the next few months. John comes home one evening and tells Judy that he was fired and that their vacation and car-buying plans have to be postponed until John can find a new job. Judy can show compassion by putting aside her own agenda (car, vacation) and try to understand that John probably feels that he has let her down and may feel like a failure for getting fired (empathy).  She may, instead of yelling at John or showing her disappointment about the postponement of her own agenda, ask what she can do for John to help him recover from this emotional experience (desire to alleviate suffering).

Patience involves understanding that others will make mistakes, will not be perfect, and need time to figure things out. Patience involves putting aside our own needs long enough to let someone else catch up to us. Patience involves stopping to think and feel about the other person before complaining or demanding. It involves waiting for change to happen without demanding that it happen on our own timeframe.

Finally, along with forgiveness, compassion, and patience, when tolerance is present in a relationship “true love” can flourish. Tolerance is a word that is used a great deal. It involves accepting and allowing for another’s differences. Tolerance allows us to have a fair and objective attitude toward others. By showing tolerance, we provide respect for our partners and through tolerance and respect we can maintain an attitude of flexibility in a relationship. Flexibility in turn  allows us to balance our needs and agendas with those of our partner and to give as well as take.

Essentially, “True Love” does not simply happen based on chemistry or romance. True love is grown from the seeds of forgiveness, compassion, patience, and tolerance. True love is like a carrot seed. It is a delicate thing that must be given care and nurturing to grow. The farmer does not demand that the carrot seed spring up from the ground ready to eat. The farmer knows that he must understand the needs of the seed and put the needs of his precious seed before his own. He must give the seed sun and a protective environment in rich soil. He must water the seed and pull out weeds that might stunt its growth. In the end, what the farmer reaps from his months of toil is a healthy food that in turn nurtures the farmer and his family. For those of us in relationships, we are like farmers. We must also work hard for our relationship, like the farmer works for his crop. It is up to each of us to provide the type of nurturing environment that will allow true love to grow.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010